nucretianyt (uncertainty)

I often find myself in a vortex of space-time where uncertainty is so thick, it clouds my sight of the future. Time stands still. . . . .





The only thing that saw/sees/will see me through was/is/will be the presence of Someone greater than me, that is/was/will be God, who guided/guides/will guide and propelled/propels/will propel to move forward. Who gives HOPE. Gives ANCHOR. in the midst of uncertainty.

~second musing, 1,992 musings

bare

Strip a man bare - remove success, beauty, wealth, achievements, accolades - he'll realize that what makes life livable is the presence of people around him, the lives that he's touched thus far. Memories of success, in time, becomes a blur - and he, one day, will find himself forgetting the victory, the exhilaration, but never the people who saw him through that success, the individuals who shared those moments with him.

~first of my 1,992 musings

Mi Sangre

Blood. Lots of it.

As I saw the blood on my hands, I felt the world crushing in. What will God think? was the first thing that came to my mind. What am I to do now? was the second.

Blood is probably one of the most universal things shared by humans culturally ever since they first formed civilization. Blood is sacrifice. Blood is sacred. Blood is atonement.

I have helped deliver babies and every time, there was blood. I saw cases of murder and there's also blood. When there's life to be saved, we donate blood. To take life, we shed blood.

But yesterday was a new revelation to me. As blood means life, it could also mean death.

Due to reasons, I cannot explain the full extent of this situation but let me say in few words that what happened to me at around 5:30 in the afternoon last January 15, 2010 was so profound that even the way my phone's calendar keeps on pointing to that date seems pretty creepy when it's already the 16th of January now.

Blood. Sangre. Mi sangre.

I cannot turn back the time. But as I was wallowing in darkness, I saw light. The event brought me a new hope of changing by fully committing to His Blood this time.

I commit because at that point where I don't know what to do, I saw grace and compassion extended to me. This grace's most prominent form happened about 2000 years ago:THE SHEDDING OF THE BLOOD.

Now that Blood will cover me. And it will cleanse me from the accumulation of wrong sort of blood - the death-causing blood.

Today marks a new beginning for me. To seek that ultimate Blood will not only give me hope but will give me a new ignition to turn back from my former ways.

With this in heart, I'm looking forward to a new chapter. I will see not only blood but the world in a whole new perspective......

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. -I John 1:9

Grace of Another Year

.....that undeserved GIFT of GRACE again.

Many (three to be precise) of the people I know today are celebrating their birthday and I've just realized that they all spent their day in different ways.

Unwittingly, this made me think that each of them had his/her own priorities in life. And that how they spent their special days, somehow, reflected what these are. How we spend our respective special days depicts ours too.

What this tells us is that what we prioritize the most reflects what's in our hearts. It reflects where we invest our efforts, our time, our strength. And that whether we realize it or not, these things are also where we fasten our security on.

I just hope that each of us will examine whether these objects of security are really secure.

Friends.Wild parties.Family.Studies.Booze.Beauty.Books.Travels.Shopping. Beaus.

Are these secure?

And where can we find security in the first place?

**************************************************************
It's in there. IN THAT UNDESERVED GRACE. If we only realize how great it is...

Even brand new years added to us is merely because of grace. We don't deserve it, but it's there anyway.

Like a birthday that happens every year without us asking for it, this grace is also freely given. No one owes it to us, in the same way that nobody is compelled to give us another year to live... But it happens annually without us having to work for it. And like a birthday not spent wisely, we miss the beauty of grace most of the time because we sought security it in the wrong venues. And even then, grace is still available... Now, to take up on this grace is a decision each of us must make.

As we face new years, let's not forget to examine our hearts because....

*Where your heart is. There your treasure will be also*



Happy week. Til then...

Sabaw

Sabaw

n. a state of shock, disappointment, sadness, frustration and BLANKNESS after a hard exam

adj. term used by most UP students to describe the result of studying (cramming) overnight for a test consisting of 10 chapters (or more) of reading

adj. term used to describe a constant aftereffect of any exam given by the UP Manila DPSM

Sabaw na sabaw - superlative term

example: May bukas pa.. sa iyong buhay.. tutulungan ka ng Diyos, na may lalang! -> kanta ng mga taong SABAW pagkatapos ng DepEx sa Chem 40.

Where do I go from here?

Posted on: April 21, 2009 during one of my hardest decision-making moments...

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

There’s this driver inside a car. He’s got a map with lots of enlisted destinations. He’s also got a full tank of fuel. The road is clear in front of him. He’s set to go. Now, the question: where does he go from here?

The car and its fuel embody the vessel and potentials in a person. This may be in the form of physical, mental, social, emotional and even material aspects of a person’s totality. The bottom line is, they enable you to go somewhere else.

The map is the symbol for choices/goals in life. They are right there under our noses but we always have difficulty in choosing because of various reasons. A famous one would be too much of it. Sometimes, if we have too many things to pick from, we end up not picking anything at all.

The driver? Well it’s simple. It is us. It is I. Despite the possession of a map and the car with the full tank, it always falls on the driver if he will get somewhere else. Without him doing anything, it all amounts to nothing. The map of choices. The full-tanked potentials. They’re useless. He’ll end up not getting anywhere.

Too many decisions to make. So little time.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Now, another set of rhetoric questions.

Should I stick to it and give more to my studies? Should I change course? Or should I quit academic life entirely?

I’ll never know. I’m too tired. I can't even think.

******************************************

And why am I even thinking this?
1) I’m demented. I just lost my mind along with other important parts of my personality.
2) I am suffering severe aftereffects of Chem 31 DepEx.

Sorry, I can’t decide which is the more plausible reason.

**************************

My deepest apologies...

Hi! It's been quite a while since I last wrote here.

Well, I wrote Where do i go from here last April during our summer semester... I altered its date last night because I find the entire thing funny now.... So, yeah. I definitely need to post some new ones here. Unfortunately, I have been very busy lately, what with school, Church and all that stuff. But I will make it a point to allot a certain time to finalize my posts. They are in one of my folders and it seems to me like they are all half-finished. Talk about time management.

In lined with this, I thank those who take time to read my ramblings here. I hope you learned something from them. ^_^

Future posts coming soon!

His Missive

I’m covered up in dirt, my scars cut me deep
My sins are so great I feel as though I can never be forgiven
I’ve made so many mistakes, told so many lies
Is there any way to go back again?
Go back to Your grace, go back to Your love
Soak in Your presence again, feel the freedom of knowing I’m forgiven
Is there any way I can escape from myself?
And lose myself in Your love once again?

I’ve been broken down so many times
Is there any way God could still love me?
Is there any way He could still be here with me?
Is it true that the voice I hear whispering over me is Yours?
Is it true that if I run to You I will be safe from the lies?
Is it true that You still love me after all I’ve done?

I’ve been lost so many times, heard so many lies
Lord are You still there? I can’t believe You would still be here!
The tears keep falling, the pain I can’t escape
Lord will You come and rescue me?

Are You willing to set me free?
Are You still there waiting for me to return home to You?
Are You still there waiting to forgive me for all the times I’ve failed?

This season has been so long, I can’t find my way back home
I’m not sure who You are and who is the enemy
I’m not sure what is the truth and what is the lie
So many voices surround me, how do I know which one is Yours?
The winds are blowing, the rains are pouring
The oceans are rising, I’m dying inside
Lord come and hold me safe in Your arms tonight

I can’t stop the tears from falling, the pain won’t go away
I try to trust You, but I keep failing and failing You
I try to hold on to You but I keep letting go and slipping away
This darkness has been here too long I can’t take it anymore
Lord will You please come, Lord do You even hear my cries?
Or are You just some distant God waiting to fail me like everyone else has?

No! I declare this truth, God is who He is
No matter where I am, no matter what storms rage around me
Jesus is God and He is here with me, protecting me from myself
He still loves me and He has forgiven me
His blood has washed me white, His love keeps me holding on
There is no way to escape His love, there is no way to escape His presence

He whispers over me, “My child it is never too late,
I am still here and I won’t let you go,
I see your scars and dirt but I am waiting for you
Waiting to forgive you and set you free once again
My love never ends no matter where you go, no matter where you’ve been
Even when you let go my love is still holding on to you
My Spirit is falling upon you, my blood is washing you clean
Now you stand before me a new creation

You stand before me as though you’ve never sinned
You are still my beautiful child and I will never let you go
I will make you whole once again, this season will soon be over
The pain, the dirt, the scars, everything you once were is no more
You are a new creation in my eyes, a new child glistening with light
You are never far from me because I am always with you holding on to you
I love you so much, although you have sinned and failed my love is still there
I am waiting for you to come back home, I know how much you are hurting
But soon I will heal you, I will provide all your needs
Even when you don’t trust me I am still there
Although you are broken you are just as beautiful to me”.

“My child listen to my voice, stay close to me
And my voice will drown out the lies
I will never let you go, my love will never end
The way I see you will never change
I have heard every sigh, every cry, I am with you
When the storms of life rage on, I will still be here
When the thunders roar and oceans rise
I am still holding you , I will be your refuge, your place
Just hold on to me and trust that when you let go I am still here
I still love you, I still forgive you, your sins are still forgotten
Just trust me and I will do the rest
Just trust me and I will be here
Trust me, I am here
Trust me, I'll never let go of you
Trust me, I never will
Trust me





I LOVE YOU”.

Kabataan

“What is youth?”

This is the very first thing that I wrote about four years ago. I was barely a freshmen student in high school then. Eagerly, I was determined to join any of the school’s publication despite the lack of knowledge and experience in writing. This was the topic given to the hopeful students who want to join our school’s publication. Eventually, I was qualified in the said screening but until now, I’m not really satisfied with what I wrote four years ago.

What is youth? Is it a time, a stage of life? Is it wholly a matter of ripe cheeks, red lips or agile knees? Well my dear friends, if these are your ideas of youth, I say it's time to set them straight.

Youth is a state of mind. It is a temper of the will, a quality of the imagination, vigor of the emotions, and a freshness of the deep springs of life. It means a highly strung prevalence of bravery over timidity, of an appetite for adventure over love of ease. This is probably why Jose Rizal said that the youth is the hope of our nation, because he knew that great ideas that can help our country will come from the youth.
(But are we really contributing? I certainly hope so.)

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. People grow old only by leaving their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul. Worry, uncertainty, self disbelief, terror and hopelessness – these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to dust.

Whatever your years, there is in every being’s heart the love of wonder, the constant child-like appetite for what’s next, and the bliss and game of life, the daring challenge of events. You are as young as your conviction, as old as your hesitation; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your trepidation; as young as your optimism, as old as your gloom. In the central place of every heart, there is a recording hollow; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, joyfulness and bravery, so long are you young.

When the wires are all down and your heart is covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then, and only then are you out of the springtime of life.

Let's not waste our youth. Let's live our potentials. Let's strive for excellence!

Vexatious

vexa·tious (-s̸həs)

adjective

1. characterized by or causing vexation; annoying, troublesome, etc

modif.

1. annoying, bothersome, irritating; see disturbing.

Example:
As I was traveling from Marikina to Malate, the VEXATIOUS driver of the cab I was fortunate to ride in today, almost got us both killed - several times (must be some stomach problem or something on his part).

Operose

op·er·ose (äp′ə rōs′)

adjective

1. done with or requiring much toil
2. very busy; industrious

Etymology: L operosus < opus (gen. operis), work: see opus

Example: I did some OPEROSE jogging and badminton sessions with Van and Nash in Marikina sports complex today. Equally OPEROSE are our efforts in remembering our high school days.

Exorbitant

ex·or·bi·tant (-tənt)

adjective
going beyond what is reasonable, just, proper, usual, etc.; excessive; extravagant: said esp. of charges, prices, etc.

modif.
excessive, extravagant, inordinate, immoderate; see excessive, expensive, extreme 2. See syn. study at excessive.

Etymology: ME < L exorbitans, prp. of exorbitare, to go out of the track < ex-, out + orbita, a track, orbit

Example: Our shopping binge in Divisoria was anything but EXORBITANT.

Photoshoot in Gumasa: How to model UK gowns

I have this brewing inside me for like, I don't know, three years? Heck. Anyway, I was just so glad my parents (finally) agreed that we go out to the coast near to Indonesia to have my photoshoot. The place is called 'Gumasa', a very new and still unexplored tourist attraction in Sarangani province. I wish I can tell you we went to Boracay, but I found out that the place offers an even better beach than Bora.

The coastline of Gumasa

My model called in sick and the camera that I was supposed to use was unavailable. I ended up making do of whatever resources were available at that time. I borrowed my churchmate's Brica camera (I forgot the model but it's the one that's designed more conducive for taking videos than pictures) that's not even a DSLR. It was raining which means BAD for every photographer, what with the poor lighting and all. But I can't back out now. I've no choice because I already moved heaven and earth (aka my parents' permission and my schedule) for this thing to happen.

Rio, our former help, served as the tripod and the 'clicker' (if such a word exist). I became the director, in-charge of lights and (can you believe it) the model. My sister also modeled for me but she said the other poses were just too weird for her so I modeled the rest of the clothes.

Anyway, I wore very beautiful UK (ukay-ukay) gowns, which I discovered during one of my spur-of-the-moment trips to Kabacan, North Cotabato. Each cost me 150-250Php only. I know the place is notorious for its bombing but believe me, the treasure trove that is the ukay-ukay there is worth it!

All in all, I'm glad about the way the photos turned out. The photos with the light blue gown on me was taken the following day, which is sunny by the way, so it had better results.

Camera courtesy of: Paquito Mirafuentes
Clothes by: April and Spring
Photoshoot directed by: Spring
Photos taken by: Spring, Rio
Make-up and hair: Faye
Models: April, Faye

How To Model UK Gowns

These are few of those shots. The rest can be found in http://s519.photobucket.com/albums/u353/weirdyaef/How%20to%20wear%20UK%20dresses/?start=40

Hope to be doing this again. With better equipments the next time.

Bridge to Terabithia

I know you think this is a review of the Movie Bridge to Terabithia. But I must warn you ahead of time; this isn’t purely about the film. On the contrary this is a reflection of one of my fondest memories which was brought upon by watching the said movie – thus the title of the post.

It all happened right after we had our lunch.

My sister cooked practically half of the stuffs laid on our table. They are comprised of rice, sautéd vegetables and fried fish. I, on the other hand, prepared the dessert and the beverages. I have a penchant for shakes and salads so; it fell on me (as the least talented in cooking) to prepare the fruit shakes and the desserts. I provided mango shake and avocado shake as beverage and fresh Durian as dessert for this meal.

Most of the time, especially when I and my three sisters are present at home, this is the routine. They cook; I take care of whatever is left to be taken care of. This time though, there were only two of us present. We still managed. I cleaned up after the meal and my parents went to attend to our business.

April (older by three years) and I then went inside the house to amuse ourselves with whatever it is that we could amuse ourselves with. I played the violin; she played her flute. A few minutes later, we both turned towards the TV. For days now, I couldn’t find the ‘movie channels’ (our satellite’s been behaving weird lately) but by some wink of luck, I managed to find Star Movies. There, I saw Bridge to Terabithia.

*************

The movie was about two kids who weaved their own world (Terabithia) through their combined minds.


I thought the two looked good together, but anyway, the movie was for children so I highly doubt that the intent of the producers was to make the audience think of romance. It’s probably just the hopeless romantic in me that made me notice this fact (^_^).


I love the way the makers of the movie unfolded the story of the two ‘misfits’ and how they became friends. I was also delighted about the way the difference in Leslie’s and Jess’s family was portrayed (the psychologist in me talking).

It was saddening though, that the girl had to die in the end and that the boy almost ended up ruining himself because of guilt. See, at a certain point in the movie, the boy went to a museum with his beautiful teacher (who also happens to be his crush). All the while the girl went alone to Terabithia (the wood at the back of their house) where she drowned and died. The boy then wallowed in shame and guilt. He thought that if he only invited the girl to the museum, she wouldn’t have drowned.

Guilt is funny that way. It makes one irrational, that although some things are beyond our control and we don’t intend for it to happen, we still blame ourselves. I guess there is no worse critic of oneself than oneself. Anyway, it was only during the end of the movie that the boy managed to get over his burden and move on. He finally decided to embrace life for what it was; the girl being dead and him being alive.
****************

I think the girl’s presence in his life made an impact not only to him but also to his family. In the latter part of the movie I’ve seen how his dad’s attitude towards him changed (for the better in my opinion). I’ve also seen his maturity after the crisis. Another truth that is in the movie; after a trial, we either become stronger or weaker. In this case, the boy opted for the path that will make him better.

And yet another wisdom shared in the movie was “The best joy in life is working well at something worth doing”. This was said by the girl’s father during one of their house-painting sessions. Quite piercing to those who are forcing themselves upon doing something they don’t really want, such as, I don’t know, taking up a course that is not really of your liking? Sticking to a job you hate? It tells us to reconsider. It is known that God wants us to have joy in life. He made us for His glory. But then, how can we bring Him glory if we always feel miserable? I believe then that we don’t have to deprive ourselves of options. Life is short.

**************

Okay. So I was busy watching this movie and filing away some nice lessons when my gaze fell upon my sister. I was astonished of the fact that she was sniffing and secretly wiping her tears. Yes, I know. On some level, although my sister does not really confide that much things in me, I understood that she cried because she unwittingly put herself in the boy’s shoes. I understand that she loves her friends and that if things like those in the movie happens to them, she would also feel bad.

Funny is that thing called friendship. I admit, I can’t really relate that well to it. The closest things I have to best friends are my sisters. I have friends of course but not best friends. And let me get this straight, I’m not bitter about it. I guess that’s the price of independence. Relying solely in God and yourself in times of trouble really has its way of you being not-too-attached with anyone.

***************

Actually, my sister isn’t the only one who has musings of her own. During the middle of the movie, there was a scene where the two friends built a tree house. I remember when we were little we built our very own tree house as well. We sawed. We hammered. We cooked using tin cans. The tree house was about six feet above the ground and is anchored upon the mango tree beside our abode. (background song: pana-panahon ang pagkakataon maibabalik ba ang kahapon.*laughs*)

We dressed up ourselves. We were the Power Rangers! The Magic Knights! The Bananas in Pajamas! I can’t imagine that we used to have that kind of imagination. Truly remarkable! After watching the way those kids in the movie create such magnificent world with their minds, I almost remember what it felt like to have imagination as vivid as that, to think of things in their best light. Then, it made me wonder where all those imagination have gone to. What went wrong? When have I turned into a person whose realism almost border on jaded cynicism? What made me give all of those things up?

Then I realized, REALITY happened. LIFE happened. Which is why now, I don’t see the world as I did years ago. But is it for the better? Is my seeing the world through the eyes of realism making me a better individual? Well, I think in some ways it is. It made me more ready of the battles ahead. But for the most part it’s not. It only made me suspicious of the world and quite frankly, more pessimistic – always expecting the worst things to happen because some things are just too impossible to happen (spoken from the perspective of an unimaginative person).

As Believers, what should be our stand in this? I believe we must have both. Realism and imagination should come along in harmony. Although we understand how things work in life, we must not be afraid to imagine, and to expect these imaginations to come to life. In the problems and trials that we encounter, we must remember the biblical Truth that with God nothing is impossible. He can accomplish things far more than we DARE ask or IMAGINE (Ephesians 3:20-21). Being too serious and too realistic can sometimes rob us of the joys of being youthful, even of our salvation.

In this note, I would like to end this post by quoting Jess from the movie: “What good does being too serious do to a person anyway?”

Nice Kind of Shock

While everybody else is doing their merry-making, we (the ever FUN campus) are spending our time on books, calculators, exams. BEST summer ever!

Ok. So I was nursing a very foul mood just a while ago… I realize that I have an impending clash of appointments due to some prima donna date switching.

See, I have a flight this morning (4:30AM) and it’s still unknown to me whether I am required to take the final exams in org chem or not (scheduled today as well). Honestly, I don’t really care about the grade increase. As long as I don’t have to repeat the entire ordeal that is the subject organic chemistry, I’m cool with it. By now, I realize that I am not really ambitious and that my goals in life are not that high. (It boils down to that same question, “Why bother?”)

So there. I really have no idea what to say to my parents, as well as any inclination of what to do. I was really more than willing to dive headfirst from our roof deck to the streets of Nakpil and Malvar when some stroke of luck happened and I received a very auspicious message from Jaira. The missive informed me that I’m not among the people who will take the finals.

I'm exempted? I'm exempted!

IMAGINE my SHOCK. Absurd truly. But it’s still an Amazing Grace.

Thus this blog came to be. Conflict was solved. I can go home tomorrow with a clear conscience and light heart. Let me say this simply. I DID NOT DO ANYTHING ON MY OWN TO BRING THIS BLESSING UPON MYSELF. My dormmates can attest to that. I think, by now, most of the people around me can attest to this lack of effort on my part as well.

But I’m not really that ashamed about that lack of effort on my part. I won't apologize for believing that it is His will to make life easy for us...Well, He made it so much easier for me. And I just really want to let the whole world the truth. God made all these not me. I bring all glory and honor to Him!

He’s really faithful in His promises. This summer it was:

Ephesians 3:20-21
“His power at work in us can do far more than we DARE ask or IMAGINE. Amen.”

See, the difference when we do things on our own effort is that we'll have a tendency to brag. I DID IT. I WON. I. It's all about ME. We end up being like Kuzco of the Emperor's New Groove. We become successful, but we also become prideful.

On the other hand, when we let God do it for us, we become successful. But we realize that apart from His grace, we are NOTHING. Thus, we end up being successful AND humble. We not only become victorious. We also develop CHARACTER.

"Our nation does not need competence. It needs CHARACTER."- Nixon Ng

***********************************

Enjoy vacation! Trust in Him - WITH ALL YOUR HEART, WITH ALL YOUR SOUL WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH. Don’t hold back. And He shall direct your path.

Be happy!
^_^